Cherie Cherry

Feb has finally come to its end. After my luck hit the lowest low, things finally start to look up. Maybe Chinese philosophy does live up to its reputation. There has to be balance in everything.

 

The trip back to Shanghai was nice, especially this year. As I'm done with my job hunting, the worries and the stress are released with signatures signed on the papers. It is true. The dream job of mine is one step away, yet I can not complain with what I have got. It feels good to actually have options ahead of you, and knowing that you could weigh the choices and make your own decision in between.

 

On the other hand, after half a month of persistence, the Japan Consulate finally issued to me the visa this morning. I could not help smiling when the lady told me about their decision. I have always thought that I would go to Europe for graduation trip. Guess in life you just can not plan everything. It is, however, the spontaneousness that makes it beautiful and intriguing.

 

Things are back on the right track at the right pace. It feels good to be settled in this way...I was talking to Pierre online today celebrating the visa thingy when he asked me how I think things are going with us. I had to admit that there were moments when I got scared and skeptical as to how the passion is ever going to be maintained at such distance, not to mention the fact that I used to disdain to try. The fact that I never had the chance to give it a serious thought makes me a total beginner in such a relationship, things like what might get in the way. Perhaps that might explain why in the very beginning I was always more optimistic about our future together. As time passes by, I realize day by day just how frangible long distance relationship can be. Indeed, every detail counts. And how frustrated one can get when physical existance matters in tough moments. I've got to remember what I've learned about in my psychology class about human interaction!

 

When in doubts, the question marks might not be able to be resolved right away in such situation. To make matters worse, they just somehow hang there and haunt you and grow even bigger. Things that you are afraid to say because you just can not be sure of. Things that you have to think through yourself before making any conclusion that could result in damages beyond measure. Things that you can only keep to yourselves or tell your closest friends. Things that in between your frustation and understanding, remain the way they are...

 

Can it be counted as the spontaneousness of a relationship? If so, where is the beauty of it that adds up to the growing passion? If confronted, to what extent should one stop haggling over every ounc? And above all, how the question marks can ever be resolved without frustration? or simply, it is just something unavoidable?

 

At the beginning of a huge crush, one might have butterflies in the stomach. We take it as a good sign. And then, it might turn into stomachache as the crush turned into a crash. And sometimes, it might just grow sour, when you shall know the mixed feelings are so strong that one can neither cares too much or too little...

 

My friends must have been wondering where I have been. It's been almost a month since I moved out of the university and to some small apartment in the Western District of Hong Kong, which, is another rarely known piece of news. The day I left the campus, I sat on the mini-bus and looked out of the window, recalling the time I spent there and strangely, I felt at ease...I guess at that time I was more amazed at the brand new chapter ahead of me, which left me with little interest and time to hold on to the past...

 

So you might wonder what it feels like now. I am still me, less of school, a job and a boyfriend not so far away yet I have no idea when on earth will its consulate be generous enough to grant me a visa. Being a free agent is not as good as I thought, because every part of me is in fact trapped in a big net of uncertainties. I did have fun wondering about in furniture shops till the moment I got tired of IKEA. Everyday I have enough beauty sleep, walk around the area, meet up with friends, watch movies and talk to Pierre online. Sounds like the perfect life yet I feel that part of me is emptying up.

 

If you think about it, I should have been happier. At least I still have tons of friends here who would go shopping with me, eat with me and go partying with me. I have two potential job offers which are not too bad. My appartment, tiny it is, is getting cozier and cozier...what exactly is wrong then? I feel like I hit the lowest low today, tonight, especially when I was watching the cheesy romance movie on Star Movies....I miss Pierre. And the fact that the Japan consulate is making it so hard for us to meet in Japan is definitely a beat on my heart. When I wrote to him about the new information I found out today, I wrote in such a way that it looks as if I was cheering him up. But deep down I know I am the one who needs to be cheered up. And just when I thought things could not be worse, Stephie called and told me about her test results. First Karen, and now Stephie, why these things are happening to my closest friends?!

 

I feel tired...I have always been proud of being a Chinese, but I am sick of having to deal with visas all the time...

 

And I feel helpless knowing that my inspirations are going away, running down as my tears drop...the moment when I just want to be alone, and cry out all the pains and the hatred for tomorrow, I know I have to get up and move on.

 

So they say, this is live...

点名游戏

Four hours of sleep before I dragged myself from the bed, washed my face and jumped on the mini-bus down to central campus, this was what the beginning of my last day in school was like...

 

On the main road in between science building and the university library, tents were set up and chairs were located, a graduation ceremony is to be held soon for those who left in June. All of a sudden, I felt that I did not want to let go despite of all my bitching about how fed up I have been with the school work...it is so weird to realize that it is finally over, officially. And I guess the weirdest thing of all is the time of my graduation which makes it feel even more unreal...

 

As I sat next to the big blue swimming pool and talking to stephanie, I recalled the time when the school bus took us from the airport to the school. And how it turned slowly as it arrived at the United College and parked in front of the Bethleham Hall. I still remember the faces of my favorite dorm staff. and of course the friends I've made there...Four years and a half ago, my life changed in three days as I went through the interview and accepted the offer...I would never have the chance to know how I would be like now had I stayed in Shanghai, but not for one second did I regret my choice because I enjoy being who I am now...

 

The sky is blue, the sun is shinning and the water in the pool glitters...people pass by and life goes on as usual...ahead of me is a whole new chapter with a great pool of choices and possibilities...and yes I am a bit lost, stunned, scared and excited...

 

"Each age is a dream that is dying/or one that is coming to birth..."

 

 

 

Stock market is just like the woman, so unpredictable that just when you thought your chance is over and give up, she'd come over and give you a kiss on the lips, as if saying, darling if you had been more patient, you could have gotten me....

 

I do not know how a man would re-act in this situation. As to me, I go: "bastard!!!" Now this is why half of the population chooses not to invest money in the stock market, sometimes even the stock analysts themselves. It's like riding a roller coaster. Warning: those who have weak heart conditions are prohibited from the ride.

 

Maybe after all my heart is not as strong as I thought. Maybe I should just put the money where I can see it: eg, bags, shoes, clothes. :P Right there, hang in my closet, except that the closet I have now is so small that every time I dig into it I feel like I'm going through some kind of war.

 

Anywayz, I could not let the frustration destroy my peaceful mood, especially not after my yoga class coz then that'll be a double loss. Hence, do not cry over the spilt milk, I said to myself. If we can not change what has been decided, then we should make the most out of it. Life is too short for such tears...

 

The rest of the night, I talked to Karen for a long time. I told her about Pierre's decision. We both saw it coming all along. I asked what she would do if she were in my situation. I listed all the difficulties I might encounter in the future, language barrier, visa, financial difficulty, career etc. Her answer was simple: none of these would matter if you are determined to. I am smiling as I am typing these words. Since when do we start to complicate things before we realize that there is something in this world called faith that, would guide us through all the troubles if, and only if, we believe...

 

Perhaps that's why my heart is in fact much relieved and settled once the decision is made. On second thought, it is actually the best decision that can be made for both of us. While it is too early to conclude that our fates are doomed to be converged together for the rest of our life, it is better to cultivate the faith in each other and let time tell where such faith shall lead us...

 

In old times, like those of Romeo & Juliet, one would be willingly to sacrifice everything so as to pursue love. Tristan said to Isolde before he died, "I do not know if life is greater than death. But love was more than either..." In real life, where the society is flooded with monetary terms, most of the people seem to forget how great love can be, or should be. Instead, they grunt at the idea of it and claim the death of the age of innocence. There are so many rules and considerations that people are, most of the time, busy modelling their life. Some of them are lucky enough to realize earlier that there might be something more in this world, like when you sees yourself in your loved one's eyes or when a baby grabs your hand for the first time and smiles at you. Those are the beautiful moments of life that moisten the heart so that it can grow into happiness. Humble they might be, they are the eternal treasures one would be able to take with him/her when everything reduces to ashes. They are what shall keep our souls accompanied...

 

When I felt that I would again be haunted by those lines from "Shanghai Baby", a time when I would be too powerless to fight against his decision, a time that I thought he would take away with him my broken memories and leave behind a soul alone, I paused on the slippery slope and gave it a second thought this time. The first time it happened, it was in Santa Barbara. I figured his decision was rational and we gave up before there was any more memory. The second time, it was in Hong Kong. We tried but it did not work out because neither of us had faith in each other. If the french saying is correct, there would never be a third time when one could commit the same mistake. I say, it does not matter how big or small the number is. So long as one is brave enough to embrace the beautiful humble moments of life, to be ready to sacrifice the shadows of life, and above all, to be determined to cultivate faith in love, one shall be able to overcome all the difficulties...

 

Hence, having realized that, I dried my tears and chose to smile instead. For I want you to remember, when you will be thinking of me, the happy times we have had together. You are the reason for me to smile, and the reason for me to have more faith in love. And if such faith does grow into something more, I would know where to follow...